Get out.

From my collection:

I want

nothing more than

To get away, but

I cannot seem to

Step through the door.

Living with anxiety and depression is a constant battle. Finding the courage to step outside the door with hundreds of voices telling you that you aren’t worth the effort to go anywhere. But I have a secret for you. Getting out the door will give you the confidence you need to get down the road. That chain reaction will build your defense against the voices. So get out! Make a difference for yourself!

-E.

Antidepressants

The clouds collect over the bay as fall blends into winter here in Washington. While the wind and rain brings cozy sweaters and pumpkin spice everything, it also brings your temporarily lost friend – depression. I for one have felt my depression take the spotlight for the last few weeks. This year however, I am fighting back, and I thought I might share a few of my go-to cures for the autumn blues.

1. Wood scented candles: for a girl living in the city you miss out on a lot of old country charm. I’ve always loved the smell of freshly cut wood, a fire in the fireplace on a snowy day, and pine. Naturally I lean towards sandlewood, and tobacco for my scented candles. They remind me of a simpler time in my childhood, when the whole house was filled with the warmth of freshly burnt wood in the furnace. Nothing can replace the calming feature of a flickering flame, with that being said, I fully support wax lamps, and oil diffusers. The main point here is to create a relaxing environment.

2. Yoga: I am quite a hypocrite when it comes to this one, I have a habit of not making habits. Good ones at least. However, when I am able to get myself down to the gym for yoga, the rewards are incredible. My mood instantly turns, my breathing relaxes and I am ready to take on anything.

3. A good book: I have a tendency to read upsetting things about war, and death, but when I am in need for a lift I try and avoid those depressing topics. Instead I turn to Malcolm Gladwell, Ksenia Anske, and This I Believe. These are all great options when you need a change of scene. Malcolm Gladwell has this amazing ability to make you feel like you can accomplish anything, by telling you true stories of people just like me, making a name for themselves. Ksenia Anske, offers something a bit different. Her books are more fantastical and dreamy. They paint pictures in my head of another more colorful world, and take me out of my gray scale one. This I Believe, a gift from my mother is filled with personal essays about standing up for what you believe in and living your life fully and honestly. I strongly recommend these, and if you click on the links it will take you right to amazon, in case you want to try them out.

4. A shower: never underestimate the power of a good shower. A little morsel of knowledge: a hot shower is great for anxiety, and a cold one is great for depression.

5. A nice cup of tea: I often go for a herbal blend. Here are my favorites: Kava Stress Relief, Teavana Peach Tranquility, Yogi Cinnamon Berry, and Celestial Lemon Zinger. It’s a great help when I wind down after work, or easing into the day while I do yoga.

6. Play with an animal: if you are pet less like me, this one could be tricky. I have found a way around it though, I have a friend who is always up to sharing her dog as a therapy dog, and on top of that, I’m a pet sitter and walker! It’s super easy and you make so many furry friends!

7. A homemade meal: I am not a good cook but I like to try. At some point I’m sure I’ll share a cooking adventure with you. Sometimes if I’m feeling down and I know I want to eat something bad, I cook something instead. I’ve made garlic noodles, roasted vegetables, pork. You name it! It’s not always successful but it does put me in a better, more creative mood.

8. Hugs: though they aren’t for everybody, I for one am a big supporter. In the movie Temple Grandin, the lead, based on a real person, invented her own hugging machine for when she felt stressed from her autism. I think it is true for a lot of people, that nice tight hugs give us a sense of security and warmth.

That is all I have for you today, but if you have some ideas of your own, please comment below. I love to hear from my readers and I’m always open to new ideas!

-E.

My Story.

The first, last straw.

Learning to love your anxiety and depression is an excruciating process. I remember as a child, feeling confused and misunderstood. I didn’t know why some kids were able to go through the day without needing a break, or time to cry it out (“it” of course being nothing). In high school, when I began therapy, I finally had a name for this feeling I had all the time. I learned different techniques to help keep my anxiety under control, and was finally able to relax. My favorite technique was Darth Vader breathing. All you have to do is cup your hands around your mouth and breath like Darth Vader. It’s super easy, and the best part was that it was funny so it took your mind off of what you were worried about to begin with. Then college rolled around and my anxiety decided it needed more attention. I had trouble focusing in class and would leave early because I could feel a panic attack brewing. I was never an “A” student, but all of a sudden my average status wasn’t enough for me. Every quiz, exam, and essay was followed by shallow breathing, tears, and a desperate phone call to my family.

When medication is the right call.

I was always afraid of taking medication. I knew that my family history had substance abuse and I didn’t want to be next. I made the choice to give medication a try when I realized that my freshman year of college was too much for me to handle alone. I spoke to my therapist and we decided to try a light dose of anti-anxiety medication to stabilize my moods while I work through the root of my anxiety. I promised myself I wouldn’t abuse the medication, and instead take notes, learning from the whole experience.

I’m not going to lie, it was hard. The side effects were strong at first and I needed to change my lifestyle a bit to accommodate the pills. After I was in a comfortable place with the medication, things began to look up. I didn’t feel helpless anymore. I could sleep, and focus in class. Altogether my mood was balanced, and I was able to work harder in therapy. I stayed on the medication for as long as I needed. When I felt strong enough emotionally I worked my way off the drug. The transition was easy, for others it can be very difficult.

Listen to your body.

In December of my junior year of I began to feel my anxiety come back. I was losing my focus and concentration again. Worst of all, I was losing time. If you’ve done any research or studies in psychology you know that losing time is a huge red flag. I knew that, but I ignored it. After weeks of saying “Woah, I don’t remeber driving here”, or “How fast was I going”. I should have talked to someone about it, but I didn’t, and paid dearly. I got in a car accident after losing time while driving. Everyone was okay, but I learned a valuable lesson. Listen to your body, do not ignore it. I was lucky. I held myself together the best I could after the accident. In August I sought out a new therapist and looked into trying medication for a second time. I started to use a different brand of medication and the side effects were incredibly strong. I couldn’t notice the changes at first but my depression worsened with the new pill. I stayed in bed all day, I made it to work most days but avoided school and people as much as possible. When I finally broke down and told my family and therapist, we realized it was the medication, so we lowered my dosage and added an anti-depressant. My moods stabilized, but I had a lot of work to do.

Where am I now?

I still have a lot of work to do, possibly even more than before. But after going through these experiences I’ve learned some things about my mental health. I’ve learned to appreciate my anxiety and treat it as a part of me. I know now that I need to respect my weaknesses or else I will become them.

What’s your story?

-E.

So much has happened

It’s hard to know where to start. So like most things, I will wing it! When we arrived in Seattle we spent every second finding and settling into our new home. It took a while, and a lot of stress but we ended up getting lucky with what we found. We’ve done so much since we got here and below are some photos of our life so far in Seattle, WA.

Riding the ferry was definitely a high point!

We’ve been to a few breweries, and so far red hook is probably my favorite.

We live super close to Chinatown, and they have a park there with a bunch of games you can play. It’s so cool!

I learned super quickly that Italian Soda is huge here! And it’s delish!

We walked through the sculpture park on our way to Pike Place Market.

They had so many goodies!

Under the market was the famous gum wall.

We stumbled upon the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation

They had an exhibit based on the book Half the Sky, which is one of my favorites.

We took a walk through the glass museum

And went up the Space Needle

We were lucky enough to be some of the first to see the Terracotta Soldiers

And then walked through a butterfly room

One day we took a drive up Mount Rainier. It was a bit pricey but so worth it!

Until next time..

-E.

You’re the only Tenn-i-see….

Tennessee!!! We were antsy to see Memphis so we decided we were just going to have lunch in Nashville, then continue on to Memphis. When we reached Nashville we pulled over at a park to take a walk.

We came across a full-scale Parthenon replica (pretty lucky, right?). We “scaled” the building then realized there was a museum inside. We HAD to go!

The museum was centered around a breathtaking statue of Athena.

The rest of the museum was filled with replicas of statues from the original Parthenon in Athens.

After the museum we drove into the city to find some food. The city was packed! There was a country music festival going on in the city center. We aren’t that big on country music so we just took full advantage of the food trucks filling the streets.

It was extremely hot so we blasted the A/C and hit the road. We stopped at a coffee shop right when we arrived in Memphis called Tamp & Tap. It was half coffee shop and half bar, we didn’t have anything like that in Connecticut so it was pretty cool (since that, we have come across a lot of similar shops).

We had Irish Cream (non-alcoholic) coffee. It was very delicious! We didn’t have an itinerary set so we did some googling and found out about Beale Street, the “Heart of Memphis”.

The street was filled with bars, music, and shops. We walked around the city and did some shopping. Once we tired ourselves out, we got back in the car and drove to our hotel for the night.

-E

Waking up.

Who knew waking up is the hardest part of the day? It would generally be those last few minutes before a meeting, or perhaps that moment you dropped your coffee all over yourself at work. For me, waking up is nearly impossible. As a kid I was usually the first one up. Ready to begin the day and annoy everyone who was trying to sleep. So when high school rolled around it was no big deal to wake up at 5:15 am to catch the morning bus.

When I first got to college I decided to take morning classes, considering I am a morning person it seemed like the logical choice. Similar to most freshman, I fell into this slump where 8 AM classes are “optional”. I think its safe to say we all know which option I decided to take. As my depression sunk in over the next few years I found it harder and harder to get out of bed. I entered this routine where I fell asleep with headphones in my ears playing “The Office”, and wake up on the 8th or 9th alarm. My roommate HATED it! She would throw things in the dorm at me to wake me up.

I’d like to say it’s better now, but it is not. I have gone down to one or two alarms a day. However, the snooze button is my best friend, or enemy. Some it’s fatigue, or I stay up too late. The truth of the matter is, my bed is a safe zone. I am comfortable. And in the mornings when I wake up my mind is clear. Everything I hear and see is clear. I am relaxed. I know that as long as I am there in bed, asleep or just snuggled, nothing bad can happen. My anxiety can’t find me there.

Trying to break a habit that is latched onto your subconscious and takes advantage of your mental state is incredibly difficult. I wish I had an answer of how to overcome this obstacle, but  I don’t. The best I can do is set a single alarm and make a commitment to myself to wake up.

If you have experienced something similar, please share your story in the comments below.

 

-E

No one’s laughing…

I made a mistake today. Correction, I make at least three mistakes everyday. Statistically we make less mistakes if we get the ideal 8-10 hours of sleep at night. I make the same mistakes regardless. When I made my mistake today, I curled up in the corner of my mind. Fingers pointed and laughing at a crying, embarrassed, little girl.

I felt defeated. The reality of the situation was that I made a small mistake. No one was mad. No one was laughing, except me. I am my own worst enemy. I am the first to judge when a mistake is made, and I really know how to put myself down.

It’s about time that I learn to love myself and respect myself the way others do.

Today I made a mistake. Tomorrow I will make a mistake. Mistakes are a part of being human, i need to let myself be human.

 

-E